Blood On My Hands
by gypsywriter135
Summary: Late night thoughts are not always good.


I'm still alive!

Sorry for not posting any stories lately. I've just been so busy! What with school starting, and my classes, and then I've been so busy on the weekends, I haven't had time to do anything!

But today, I have a break! :) So, I'm sitting in my room at school, watching "Hidalgo," and eating pineapple. All while I work on all ten of the stories that I started long ago. That's right. Ten. After this, there's only nine more that I have to do! :D And three of them are muti-chapters! But... I don't know how long those will take. I'm about halfway finished with one, and the other I'm kinda stuck on... Lol.

But enough of me babbling. Let me tell you a little about THIS story.

It's really not a story at all. It's more of a little drabble. And... It's completely un-Leo related!

O.o? What? Not Leo?!

Yup! So just read on and let me know what you think!

Disclaimer: Sadly... they are still not mine. :(

**TMNTTMNTTMNTTMNT**

On the rare occasions that I actually go to bed in my own room to sleep for the night, I find that I just simply can't. I just lie there. I don't like these times… I find that the darkness, and the silence, and the absence of the comforting glow of my computer allows my mind to wander.

The thoughts that come to mind… well, they scare me more than anything I have ever known.

Being what my brother's call "a genius" is actually really hard… it's scary. Knowing everything that I know… it's enough to crush a man… turtle…

See, I'm more of an engineer. I like to invent things. Feel the rush of excitement as something that I put together with my own two hands comes to life, and makes all the hours I slaved over it seem all the worthwhile. And the sight of my brothers' faces as I explain to them what I had just created makes me even more excited. Even Raph sometimes can't hide the glee in his eyes, especially when it has to do with his bike.

But my brothers also expect me to fix the things that they break. Usually it's Mikey, with a broken skateboard, or a trashed game controller. Sometimes it's Raph, who needs help figuring out why his motorcycle is making that odd, clunking sound. Or maybe it's Leo, who tried, and failed, to cook something for breakfast and instead blows up the toaster.

How he, or everyone else for that matter, manages to destroy the toaster more than any other object in our household, I will never know. It's really not that hard to work; just plug it in, put the bread in the slot, and push down the lever. When it's done, the toasted bread will pop up, thereby shutting the toaster off until someone else uses it. But for some reason, that little object has ended up on my work table more times than I can count.

Sometimes it really is broken, and when that happens, I'm happy to fix it. But when Mikey sticks his socks in it to "warm them up," or when Raph has a temper tantrum and plunges his sais into the slots, almost electrocuting himself in the process, I get a little angry. A toaster is used for toasting bread, or the occasional bagel and poptart. Nothing else needs to go in there. And Leo needs to stop trying to use it to improve his cooking skills; 'cause that's usually when I end up building that stupid appliance back up from scratch.

But enough about the toaster. Like I said before; they expect me to fix the things that they break, and I'm happy to. It's what I do best. Usually it just ends up right back in my possession anyways, but I don't mind. I like to fix what they break.

Most of the time…

My brothers not only expect me to fix their broken toys and games and vehicles and appliances, but they also expect me to fix _them_ when _they_ get broken.

That's probably the worst of my job. Seeing my brothers' hurt is bad enough, but when they expect me to fix it… to fix _them_.. is when I start to get scared.

I closed my eyes and turned over in my bed, trying to block to tears that I feel coming. They don't realize how much this effects me. Not knowing whether or not my brothers will be okay after an accident… knowing that if they don't survive, it will be because of me.

That is what really makes me afraid.

It's what makes my hands shake once I know that everything will be okay. It's what makes me hole myself in my lab for days, refusing to eat until Leo forces something down my throat. It's what plagues me on the nights that I have nothing to do… on the nights just like this one.

Because what if, someday… I just can't save them…? What if my skills as a medic aren't enough? What if one of them… one of them dies?

It will be all my fault. And how in the world am I supposed to live with the guilt of knowing that one of my brothers' died… because I just wasn't good enough? Because these hands…. These hands that create so much… just couldn't save the life of one of my family members.

I worry when Leo takes a hit meant for us… when Raph does something reckless… and when Mikey's not paying attention. Because it's at those times that I falter and all I can see is their lifeless eyes, their pale faces….

I bury my face in my pillow, trying to drown out the sound of my crying. Leo's room is right next door, and he can hear almost anything. I don't want to worry him.

And so I am left to myself… No, I am left to my thoughts. Which is a dangerous place to be. I feel like, sometimes, if my brothers' actually die… because of me… because I was unable to save them…

That I would finally be able to go with them. Because I cannot live without them…

At least, not knowing. Not knowing that I could have done something to save them, and failed.

I couldn't live with my brothers' blood on my hands…

**TMNTTMNTTMNTTMNT**

Sorry for the shortness.

I wanted to give my hand on concentrating on another turtle for a moment. AND I wanted to give another go at first-person POV. So let me know what you think! Click the button below... please?


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